Anything, Anywhere But Under Sufferance

Chapter One Vernant Spatchmole was angry, not a big red face, blotchy, sweaty angry, but a sullen, moody, James Dean with a ciggy hanging out of his mouth rebel-without-a-cause angry. He knew that this dark look would attract the girls, that and his bulging bank account that throbbed with activity. Yet he remained elusive, an as yet untainted gentleman, whose only venture into true depravity came when he bought a Vauxhall Agila (Slogan: The car so shit, even crap old drivers won't bother with it) and then sold it a few days later to act as a water feature to a braless Charlie Dimmock. Sat opposite him was a nubile young woman, with breasts, that were bouncing up and down as she breathed huskily. She was meant to be interviewing him for her first assignment for "Cock" magazine, but had spent most of the morning simply in awe of his magnificent presence. Her name was Joanna Pohkme, an up and coming young journalist who had earned this placement on "Cock" t...

English is a language that is in a constant state of evolution. Words come into being through use in society and 'catching on', or through invention in a book, television show or other form of popular culture. One of the most famous being a group of gorillas being labelled a "flange" simply because it was stated in a famous Not the 9 O'Clock News sketch in the 1980s. This summer we've had the "Mobot" for Mo Farah's post race celebrations and doing a "Gove" which is basically being an itinerant, vacuous, moronic, imbecilic fuckwit who spends his days ruining the lives of millions and smiling slimly throughout as if he knows best all along. So, I'd like to add some of my own made up words to that the ever growing English language and here are some of my creations. Brainclouds - Another word for when you feel depressed, miserable, or so utterly fed up you just have to post it to Facebook and in a bewildering sense of emotic kam...

A lot of things make me sigh but the past few days I have had more cause to do so. Yesterday was a good example, as when one of the parents who came to collect their child from school, did so wearing a pair of leggings that were particularly skin-tight (and as a result, entirely see-through). The net result of this fashion choice was that not only could I and every other parent on the playground, tell that she liked to get her blue-flowerprint thongs from Marks and Spencers, but also what religion she was too and that she had at least one child by caesarian section. She actually looked as if she had thrown on a pair of tights in a rush, then in her haste, forgotten to add a skirt to the ensemble. All around the playground, people were feigning consummate interest in a wide variety of flora and fauna, aircraft in the sky, playground markings and notices about bringing in your PE kit every day. It was better than having to turn around and find yourself transfixed by her blue-clad ars...

On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me... ... A partridge in a pear tree... Why? What sodding use is that? I mean other than plucking the bird, roasting it and eating it, then having a pear for afterwards, it's not much use is it? And lets be honest, if you are having partridge for Christmas dinner, then pear to follow, it's hardly traditional is it? On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me... ... Two turtle doves...and a partridge in a pear tree. Well, since the turtle dove is now close to extinction, probably not the best choice of present. Bill Oddie will probably throw a wobbly and lets be honest, if one Partridge in a pear tree was overkill, sending them another is just plain silly isn't it? On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me... ... Three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. I mean why? Why do they have to be French? Are they somehow better at producing eggs? Do they wear beret...

I've got a relatively new client that I've been doing work for (www.gorillagolfblog.com) and I have to say I'm enjoying it. Golf is one of my favourite past-times, so getting paid to write about it in a variety of forms is almost a guilty pleasure. Now as a writer, part of my work involves writing copy that is not only interesting and informative (or dull as shiny shite if you don't like what's written) but which is also search engine optimised. This involves finding out what words people use when they search for and visit the site. Now, this site is about golf in a wide variety of forms and nothing else. It does look at fringe aspects of golf, such as golf club facilities, professional tournaments, opinions on golf etc, but every single post has one clear theme. So, it is somewhat strange to discover that the keywords the most number of people who come to our website use tend to be golf (I know, shocker ain't it?) and ... sex. I know, it surprised me to...

Religion is a thorny subject. Not just for Jesus either. I mean you mention it, or make light of it and you can almost hear the pursing of the lips from people who don't feel it is right to "make fun of people's beliefs". On the contrary, I find humour about such things probably the best way to deal with them. I mean, laughing at the nonsensical spoutings of these Paedophile Catholic Priests, Jihadist Clerics, Mad Mormons and the ever-invasive Jehovah's Witnesses is the best way to ridicule their pathetic burblings. Besides, God has a sense of humour, I saw Bruce Almighty the other night and anybody who designed the male reproductive system has to be a comic genius of Monty Python proportions. So when I'm God, there's going to be changes. 1. Anyone who wants to praise me at the exclusion of others or invoke any kind of trouble in my name will immediately grow a flashing red antennae on their head that flashes "TALKING BOLLOCKS" whenever t...

Dear Mr Gove, I'd like to thank you. No really, I would. In amongst all the condemnation and angst-filled ire that has come your way in recent weeks due to you starting on the long road to privatising state education your education reforms, you have provided something that the country has long needed. A scapegoat. In amongst all your crass, nonsensical and emotive verbal outpourings about how the "poor and needy single parents" will be the ones who suffer most from the forthcoming teacher strike (these are the same single mothers & fathers who you slashed 8.5% off their total income via the last budget, so your concern didn't spread to actually making them any better off did it? http://www.totallymoney.com/news/index.php/2011/06/lone-mothers-bearing-the-brunt-of-cuts/) you have attempted to put teachers in an invidious position. Forcing them to bear the brunt of parental ire, accusing them of not having the children's best interests at heart, accusing the...