A load of balls: Searching for golf...and sex
I've got a relatively new client that I've been doing work for (www.gorillagolfblog.com) and I have to say I'm enjoying it. Golf is one of my favourite past-times, so getting paid to write about it in a variety of forms is almost a guilty pleasure.
Now as a writer, part of my work involves writing copy that is not only interesting and informative (or dull as shiny shite if you don't like what's written) but which is also search engine optimised. This involves finding out what words people use when they search for and visit the site.
Now, this site is about golf in a wide variety of forms and nothing else. It does look at fringe aspects of golf, such as golf club facilities, professional tournaments, opinions on golf etc, but every single post has one clear theme.
So, it is somewhat strange to discover that the keywords the most number of people who come to our website use tend to be golf (I know, shocker ain't it?) and ... sex.
I know, it surprised me too. I can honestly say there is nothing on the site that is frankly worth knocking one out to. I have written articles in the past about a naturist resort in France (La Jolla if you are interested) and about a golf course in Las Vegas that offers attractive local women as caddies (Par Mates I think they are called but I may be wrong), but these were entirely in a golfing/semi-comical context.
I find the very thought of people searching for "Golf" and "Sex" together entirely baffling. That's like searching for "Oliver Lettwin" and "compassion" in the same sentence, or "Michael Gove" and "intelligence", they are to all intents and purposes, generally incompatible.
But then it struck me quite obviously: It's women searching for it.
Now, before you leap up and slap me about a bit accusing me of unfounded sexism, let me explain the reason behind my thinking.
Men are most likely to play golf, men are most likely to use the computer to search the internet for "sex" and "golf", but not at the same time. Being feeble-minded, somewhat predictable beings we can't mix one with the other. Women, on the other hand, are famed for their ability to multi-task, so combining golf with sex, is a simple way of finding out what sites their other half has been busy perusing on the net this week.
So one wonders what the people were looking for when they searched for those terms. Were women expecting to see a gaggle of men, each with several proud shafts, each well in excess of 12 inches, shouting "Get in the hole!"? One would assume that if they men have managed to get their balls in the hole, they've got the wrong end of the stick (literally), or perhaps women just enjoy the idea of men sticking their balls down on the floor and allowing someone to smack them as hard as possible with an enormous club. And as for the prospect of a muffed shot, well the subject doesn't even bear thinking about.
Then there's the prospects of dribbling one wide of the hole, using the tradesmans entrance, watching your balls bounce tantalisingly over the rim of the hole, spanking an enormous one, putting from the rough and of course nothing beats a good shank or two.
To be honest, I can't see golf porn taking off. There's too many bad Alan Partridge Pringle sweatshirt and Rupert Bear trousers for it to be anymore arousing than a trip around B&Q with Sally Gunnell. Besides, us men are really careless too, frequently sticking our balls where we aren't supposed to put them. Most women know that feeling all too well.
Or you can just ask Tiger Woods.
So obviously, with men being unable to focus on golf and sex together, it has to be women doing the searching. The multi-tasking geniuses of our time, who are not only brushing up on the latest ball-manipulating techniques, but getting good at golf too. It makes perfect sense to me; why waste time searching for both, when one overall search will do?
But in their quest for knowledge, what will they end up with? My gently meandering waffle about the great game itself. Learning my thoughts about the terminology of golf is about as likely to evoke a state of sexual arousal as Michael Gove wearing a flashermac and smiling lasciviously at you, while licking a photograph of Mick Hucknall.
So to all you frustrated, disappointed women out there, I apologise. I admit it, my golfing nonsense isn't a great turn on and if you want to watch a variety of buff men playing with the shafts and balls, I believe there are shows and clubs you can go to.
Though they're not necessarily golf ones.
Now as a writer, part of my work involves writing copy that is not only interesting and informative (or dull as shiny shite if you don't like what's written) but which is also search engine optimised. This involves finding out what words people use when they search for and visit the site.
Now, this site is about golf in a wide variety of forms and nothing else. It does look at fringe aspects of golf, such as golf club facilities, professional tournaments, opinions on golf etc, but every single post has one clear theme.
So, it is somewhat strange to discover that the keywords the most number of people who come to our website use tend to be golf (I know, shocker ain't it?) and ... sex.
I know, it surprised me too. I can honestly say there is nothing on the site that is frankly worth knocking one out to. I have written articles in the past about a naturist resort in France (La Jolla if you are interested) and about a golf course in Las Vegas that offers attractive local women as caddies (Par Mates I think they are called but I may be wrong), but these were entirely in a golfing/semi-comical context.
I find the very thought of people searching for "Golf" and "Sex" together entirely baffling. That's like searching for "Oliver Lettwin" and "compassion" in the same sentence, or "Michael Gove" and "intelligence", they are to all intents and purposes, generally incompatible.
But then it struck me quite obviously: It's women searching for it.
Now, before you leap up and slap me about a bit accusing me of unfounded sexism, let me explain the reason behind my thinking.
Men are most likely to play golf, men are most likely to use the computer to search the internet for "sex" and "golf", but not at the same time. Being feeble-minded, somewhat predictable beings we can't mix one with the other. Women, on the other hand, are famed for their ability to multi-task, so combining golf with sex, is a simple way of finding out what sites their other half has been busy perusing on the net this week.
So one wonders what the people were looking for when they searched for those terms. Were women expecting to see a gaggle of men, each with several proud shafts, each well in excess of 12 inches, shouting "Get in the hole!"? One would assume that if they men have managed to get their balls in the hole, they've got the wrong end of the stick (literally), or perhaps women just enjoy the idea of men sticking their balls down on the floor and allowing someone to smack them as hard as possible with an enormous club. And as for the prospect of a muffed shot, well the subject doesn't even bear thinking about.
Then there's the prospects of dribbling one wide of the hole, using the tradesmans entrance, watching your balls bounce tantalisingly over the rim of the hole, spanking an enormous one, putting from the rough and of course nothing beats a good shank or two.
To be honest, I can't see golf porn taking off. There's too many bad Alan Partridge Pringle sweatshirt and Rupert Bear trousers for it to be anymore arousing than a trip around B&Q with Sally Gunnell. Besides, us men are really careless too, frequently sticking our balls where we aren't supposed to put them. Most women know that feeling all too well.
Or you can just ask Tiger Woods.
So obviously, with men being unable to focus on golf and sex together, it has to be women doing the searching. The multi-tasking geniuses of our time, who are not only brushing up on the latest ball-manipulating techniques, but getting good at golf too. It makes perfect sense to me; why waste time searching for both, when one overall search will do?
But in their quest for knowledge, what will they end up with? My gently meandering waffle about the great game itself. Learning my thoughts about the terminology of golf is about as likely to evoke a state of sexual arousal as Michael Gove wearing a flashermac and smiling lasciviously at you, while licking a photograph of Mick Hucknall.
So to all you frustrated, disappointed women out there, I apologise. I admit it, my golfing nonsense isn't a great turn on and if you want to watch a variety of buff men playing with the shafts and balls, I believe there are shows and clubs you can go to.
Though they're not necessarily golf ones.
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