Anything, Anywhere But Under Sufferance

My wife has made a gastronomic error of calamitous proportions. It all started innocently enough a couple of weeks ago. Feeling a little below par, Katharine indulged herself in a pot of Nutella Chocolate Spread to spread thickly over a few pieces of toast. It was comfort food of the highest order and considering we've been living off badger food for the past six-months, she felt that she could allow herself this minor frivolity. Now, until such time as she bought this item, I had no great love for chocolate spread. In actual fact, the very notion confused me. Chocolate on toast? Why? Why not just ditch the toast and have chocolate? Chocolate and bread do not go. In the same way as pineapple on Pizza doesn't go (I've checked with the Pizza bosses, and it doesn't - that's the final word) or having Ice Cream in your Tortilla just looks silly and makes your chicken wish it had its feathers back. I watched in confused bewilderment as she tucked heartily into the toast. ...

I am beginning to dread car journeys with my children. In the good old days, the most we had to concern ourselves with was perhaps a nappy that needed changing, perhaps the occasional redecoration of the car interior via the medium of the contents of Jess's stomach, the usual bouts of arguing and fighting or the quiet request to stop for a wee because they are absolutely bursting, approximately twenty minutes after you have left the last service station. Fortunately, the CD player was a bastion of adult respectability. Well, I say that, my wife does have rather 'middle of the road' taste in Music. Billy Joel, Bucks Fizz, Brotherhood of Man and recently, Michael Buble. Pretty much anyone who begins with 'B' really, though even she drew the line at Bros. However with me driving and staking my claim to manhood, my choice of CD's were often the ones littering the car, upsetting my wife and keeping us entertained on our journeys. Not any more. After spending the vast...