When I'm God...
Religion is a thorny subject. Not just for Jesus either. I mean you mention it, or make light of it and you can almost hear the pursing of the lips from people who don't feel it is right to "make fun of people's beliefs".
On the contrary, I find humour about such things probably the best way to deal with them. I mean, laughing at the nonsensical spoutings of these Paedophile Catholic Priests, Jihadist Clerics, Mad Mormons and the ever-invasive Jehovah's Witnesses is the best way to ridicule their pathetic burblings.
Besides, God has a sense of humour, I saw Bruce Almighty the other night and anybody who designed the male reproductive system has to be a comic genius of Monty Python proportions.
So when I'm God, there's going to be changes.
1. Anyone who wants to praise me at the exclusion of others or invoke any kind of trouble in my name will immediately grow a flashing red antennae on their head that flashes "TALKING BOLLOCKS" whenever they open their mouths. I actively encourage anyone to praise who they like and not to take it all that serious, after all, I'm not going to and I don't think any right-thinking deity would either.
2. Wasps would be banned. They serve no purpose other than to annoy you and sting you. Much like politicians.
3. Governments will be made up solely of Children who will be forced to retire by the age of 13, by when they won't be able to get out of bed to do anything anyway.
4. I'll make all healthy food taste like Fish and Chips, Chocolate, Yorkshire Pud and a Full English, while all the bad for you food will taste like cabbage and sprouts.
5. I promise not to name my son as a swear word. Which will come as a relief to poor old Shitty Nobface.
6. Studies that 'prove' something is good or bad for you, will automatically be bad for you.
7. If you act violently towards another person, I will ensure that your bank account sets up a direct debit to that person and £5,000 paid to them each day until you apologise. If you are rich and think you can abuse this, then all your money will turn into fetid goats cheese or something equally pointless and expensive, like Fernando Torres.
8. Working hard, trying, being enthusiastic, welcoming and friendly will be seen as the new "cool". Being an arrogant, self-absorbed, misogynistic, racist, anti-social, foul-mouthed tosspot will be seen as being just as it stands.
9. If anyone tries to "measure" kids relative success for comparative political reasons, they will be tied to a stake and forced to watch the Jeremy Kyle show until they have dribbled their own bodyweight in saliva.
10. Rap music shall henceforth be called "Shit poetry".
11. Weather forecasters will have to deliver their forecasts in Iambic pentameter and finish with a rhyming couplet.
Anyway that's for starters. What would you add?
On the contrary, I find humour about such things probably the best way to deal with them. I mean, laughing at the nonsensical spoutings of these Paedophile Catholic Priests, Jihadist Clerics, Mad Mormons and the ever-invasive Jehovah's Witnesses is the best way to ridicule their pathetic burblings.
Besides, God has a sense of humour, I saw Bruce Almighty the other night and anybody who designed the male reproductive system has to be a comic genius of Monty Python proportions.
So when I'm God, there's going to be changes.
1. Anyone who wants to praise me at the exclusion of others or invoke any kind of trouble in my name will immediately grow a flashing red antennae on their head that flashes "TALKING BOLLOCKS" whenever they open their mouths. I actively encourage anyone to praise who they like and not to take it all that serious, after all, I'm not going to and I don't think any right-thinking deity would either.
2. Wasps would be banned. They serve no purpose other than to annoy you and sting you. Much like politicians.
3. Governments will be made up solely of Children who will be forced to retire by the age of 13, by when they won't be able to get out of bed to do anything anyway.
4. I'll make all healthy food taste like Fish and Chips, Chocolate, Yorkshire Pud and a Full English, while all the bad for you food will taste like cabbage and sprouts.
5. I promise not to name my son as a swear word. Which will come as a relief to poor old Shitty Nobface.
6. Studies that 'prove' something is good or bad for you, will automatically be bad for you.
7. If you act violently towards another person, I will ensure that your bank account sets up a direct debit to that person and £5,000 paid to them each day until you apologise. If you are rich and think you can abuse this, then all your money will turn into fetid goats cheese or something equally pointless and expensive, like Fernando Torres.
8. Working hard, trying, being enthusiastic, welcoming and friendly will be seen as the new "cool". Being an arrogant, self-absorbed, misogynistic, racist, anti-social, foul-mouthed tosspot will be seen as being just as it stands.
9. If anyone tries to "measure" kids relative success for comparative political reasons, they will be tied to a stake and forced to watch the Jeremy Kyle show until they have dribbled their own bodyweight in saliva.
10. Rap music shall henceforth be called "Shit poetry".
11. Weather forecasters will have to deliver their forecasts in Iambic pentameter and finish with a rhyming couplet.
Anyway that's for starters. What would you add?
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