Anything, Anywhere But Under Sufferance

This week was Bonfire Night, November 5th, a 'celebration' of a failed act of terrorism against the crown which is now remembered by councils banning bonfires, fireworks with about as much fizzle as John Major's wardrobe and the chance to, effectively, burn money. It never used to be this way. I can remember as child Bonfire Night was always one of the major events of the year, perhaps second only to Christmas. Where I lived, groups of kids would spend weeks before the date collecting "Bonnie Wood" and storing it in a variety of disused garages and other 'secret' hidey-holes. There was a palpable sense of anticipation every year, fuelled by the singing of "Remember, Remember" in school and the scary adverts warning you not to pick up sparklers at the wrong end, or otherwise play with fireworks. When the night arrived, I was always amazed to discover it wasn't a school holiday. Even so, you'd rush home from school, get outside to help...

Chapter One Vernant Spatchmole was angry, not a big red face, blotchy, sweaty angry, but a sullen, moody, James Dean with a ciggy hanging out of his mouth rebel-without-a-cause angry. He knew that this dark look would attract the girls, that and his bulging bank account that throbbed with activity. Yet he remained elusive, an as yet untainted gentleman, whose only venture into true depravity came when he bought a Vauxhall Agila (Slogan: The car so shit, even crap old drivers won't bother with it) and then sold it a few days later to act as a water feature to a braless Charlie Dimmock. Sat opposite him was a nubile young woman, with breasts, that were bouncing up and down as she breathed huskily. She was meant to be interviewing him for her first assignment for "Cock" magazine, but had spent most of the morning simply in awe of his magnificent presence. Her name was Joanna Pohkme, an up and coming young journalist who had earned this placement on "Cock" t...

English is a language that is in a constant state of evolution. Words come into being through use in society and 'catching on', or through invention in a book, television show or other form of popular culture. One of the most famous being a group of gorillas being labelled a "flange" simply because it was stated in a famous Not the 9 O'Clock News sketch in the 1980s. This summer we've had the "Mobot" for Mo Farah's post race celebrations and doing a "Gove" which is basically being an itinerant, vacuous, moronic, imbecilic fuckwit who spends his days ruining the lives of millions and smiling slimly throughout as if he knows best all along. So, I'd like to add some of my own made up words to that the ever growing English language and here are some of my creations. Brainclouds - Another word for when you feel depressed, miserable, or so utterly fed up you just have to post it to Facebook and in a bewildering sense of emotic kam...

A lot of things make me sigh but the past few days I have had more cause to do so. Yesterday was a good example, as when one of the parents who came to collect their child from school, did so wearing a pair of leggings that were particularly skin-tight (and as a result, entirely see-through). The net result of this fashion choice was that not only could I and every other parent on the playground, tell that she liked to get her blue-flowerprint thongs from Marks and Spencers, but also what religion she was too and that she had at least one child by caesarian section. She actually looked as if she had thrown on a pair of tights in a rush, then in her haste, forgotten to add a skirt to the ensemble. All around the playground, people were feigning consummate interest in a wide variety of flora and fauna, aircraft in the sky, playground markings and notices about bringing in your PE kit every day. It was better than having to turn around and find yourself transfixed by her blue-clad ars...