Do You Think You're Clever : The Answers
Here are all the questions from "The Good Book" all answered fulsomely in as much detail as you ever need to know, and I should know, Descartes told me.
1. What Happens when I drop an Ant?
A. It looks for another life-partner. Lets face it, it isn't going to be stuck for choice and most of them are going to be better looking.
2. Why is the Pole Vaulting World Record about 6.5 metres and why can't it be broken?
A. Because the laws of physics say so. Besides, it is so fantastically dull and pointless as a sport, most people would prefer to eat one of their own lungs or watch crown green bowls than sit through three hours of barely pronouncable foreigners boinging about the screen.
3. If you could go back in time to any period in history, when would it be and why?
A. The moment of creation, so I could come back later and say "See? I told you so."
4. Are you Cool?
A. No, I've a jumper on and the central heating is up a little too high.
5. If there was an omnipotent god, could he be able to create a stone that he couldn't lift?
A. I couldn't care less. If they did though, I'd probably advise them to stop f*cking about with boulders and burning bushes and do some f*cking work sorting out the mess they've created. Oh, and who says it's a 'he'?
6. Should someone sell their kidney?
A. Yes, provided it isn't Buy One Get One Free.
7. Is it moral to hook up a psychopath (whose only pleasure is killing) to a reality-simulating machine so that he can believe he is in the real world and kill as much as he likes?
A. No. It would be much kinder and of far greater benefit to humanity to have him in the audience of the average Jeremy Kyle show.
8. Should obese people have free NHS treatment?
A. No. Everyone should have free NHS treatment, apart from the irretrievably stupid who should be humanely shipped to the Isle of Man and allowed to live out a peaceful existence terrorising whelks.
9. Why did they used to make the mill chimneys so tall?
A. To piss of Fred Dibnah.
10. Why can't you light a candle in a space-ship?
A. There's lots of scientific reasons as to why this is not a good idea, however if your aim in astronautics is to go into space to simply light candles, then you should not consider a career in with NASA and instead seek clinical help. If you can't appreciate the wonders of the universe without farting around with a candle, then the only time you should have been blasted into space, was hours before the moment of your conception.
11. If I could fold this paper an infinite amount of times, how many tims must I fold it to reach the moon?
A. It would depend. If 'this' paper was a blank sheet of paper. Knock yourself out spending eternity folding it, but I doubt you'll get there. If it is a ticket for the first space journey to the moon on Virgin-Moon, then I'd hold off folding until you are on the journey and have had your first drink, then you can fold it as often as you like and it will take you there however many times you fold it. Plus, you get a drink and some grub thrown in for free.
12. Can History Stop the Next War?
A. No. Because if it does, then there wouldn't be a next war would there? And if it doesn't then its failed anyway. And you ask this to supposedly intelligent people?
13. Where does honesty fit into law?
A. Just off the Northampton ring road.
14. What books are bad for you?
A. Jeffrey Archers.
15. What would happen if you drilled through the Earth all the way to the other side and then jumped in the hole?
A. I'd probably find two Premier League footballers at the other end wanting to pay it to have sex with them.
16. Does a Girl Scout have a political agenda?
A. No, most have a Honda Civic.
17. What does it mean to be happy?
A. It probably means you won't be appearing on the Jeremy Kyle show soon. Which should make you happier, and thus a virtuous circle.
18. Smith sees Jones walking towards a cliff, Smith knows Jones is blind but doesn't like him so allows him to walk off the edge. Is this murder?
A. No idea, but I'm guessing immigrants will get the blame in the Daily Mail anyway.
19. How would you measure the weight of your own head?
A. Inaccurately.
20. What is Fate?
A. A crap fair/jumble sale that villages have in the summer to sound posh, where vegetables are judged and do the judging.
21. How would you describe an Apple?
A. Well designed with a catchy name, but appalling build quality and shite customer service.
22. The stage: A platform for opinions or just entertainment - What are your thoughts?
A. My thoughts tend to be along the lines of, I don't give a fetid goats penis what the stage is, I instead like to think about breasts, chocolate and laughing.
23. I am an oil baron in the desert and I need to deliver oil to 4 different towns which happen to lie in a straight line. I must visit each town in turn, returning to my oil tank between each visit. Where should I position my tank to drive the shortest possible distance? Roads are no problem as I have a sheikh friend who will build me as many roads as I like for free.
A. Get the sheikh to build a pipeline instead of roads.
24. Think of a Painting of a tree. Is the tree real?
A. Possibly, it could be a surreal painting however.
25. Does a snail have a consciousness?
A. Yes, but if it has to read any more of these sodding questions, it won't have for much longer.
26. Why is there salt in the sea?
A. It went on holiday and is enjoying the sun.
27. What is the point of using NHS money to keep old people alive?
A. It annoys younger people who want to spend it on sex, drugs and piercing themselves.
28. You have a 3 litre jug and a 5 litre jug, make 4 litres.
A. No.
29. Was it fair that a woman's planning application for painting her door purple in a conservation area was declined?
A. Probably not. Purple doors are far more inoffensive than unctuous twerps with a grandiose idea of inflated self-worth and appalling beards. I usually find people who are offended by colour are often entirely cretinous and their feeble judgements best ignored anyway.
30. Do you think Chairman Mao would have been proud of the China of today?
A. Provided it was Eternal Bow or Wedgwood, most definitely.
31. Why isn't there a global government?
A. Because we have a modicum of sense. More politicians? That's all we need.
32. Is the Bible a fictional work? Could it be called Chick-Lit?
A. Mostly and I could call it a few things worse than that.
33. Is feminism dead?
A. No, it's just easier to flash your tits to get what you want. My wife gave me permission to post that answer.
34. What percentage of the world's water is contained in a cow?
A. Depends how big the cow is and how thirsty its been I suppose.
35. If you're not in California, how do you know it exists?
A. Because of the crap advert starring Arnold and his famous chums.
36. When are people dead?
A. When they believe all their problems can be solved by appearing on the Jeremy Kyle show or Loose Women, though this definition can be chiefly described as brain-dead. Physical death occurs shortly after you decide to tell your wife her arse is looking a bit bigger nowadays.
37. Chekhov's great, isn't he?
A. No. Spock was much cooler and had better ears.
38. What is the Population of Croydon?
A. Depressed.
39. Why are big, fierce animals so rare?
A. Because if you try to cook them for too long, they'll turn around and bite your head off.
40. Are there too many people in the world?
A. Not really, there are too many stupid people however.
41. How many animals did Moses take on the Ark?
A. No idea, but does this story mean that all fish, ducks, and aquatic marine life must all be evil?
42. How many grains of sand are there in the world?
A. More than eight. Probably.
43. Was Romeo Impulsive?
A. Not really, but in a few years I hope he has a word with David and Victoria and asks them why they gave him such a f*cking stupid name.
44. How would you describe a human to a person from Mars?
A. Quickly, as I am running to the phone to let NASA know just what has happened.
45. What do you like most about the brain?
A. That it can occasionally work in some people.
46. Why do so few American's believe in evolution?
A. Congenital stupidity and a closed-mind.
47. How would you reduce crime through Architecture?
A. Make buildings from cannabis and when trouble is brewing, set light to a building in the near vicinity. Within a few minutes, everyone will be mellow.
48. Would you say Greed is good or bad?
A. I'd say it is not the best Mr Man book and that I prefer Mr Bump or Mr Forgetful.
49. How would you travel through time?
A. I answered this in two years time.
50. Can a computer have a conscience?
A. It depends if the snail earlier stole it.
51. What would happen if the Classics department burned down?
A. The police would arrest a Black youth or someone who looks like an immigrant.
52. Don't you think Hamlet is a bit long? Well I do.
A. My Hamlet is of average length and girth. I find that a rather personal question actually prof, you aren't going to bend me over your desk to find out are you?
53. Is there such thing as "race"?
A. Yes. It makes it easier for cretinous bigots to identify their victims.
54. Is nature natural?
A. Do bears shit in the woods?
55. Is the Environment a bigger crisis than poverty/AIDS, etc?
A. Probably not, but more people would gladly hug a tree than another less fortunate human being.
56. Why do the words "God" and "I" have capital letters?
A. Because teacher told us.
57. Is it more important to focus on poverty at home, or poverty abroad?
A. Neither. Start with stupidity, fear and selfishness first, if we can deal with that, the rest will take care of itself.
58. What makes you think that I am having thoughts?
A. You are a man and there is a tell tale bulge.
59. Do you think you're clever?
A. No, but I prefer to say nothing rather than open my mouth and be proven right. Unlike some.
1. What Happens when I drop an Ant?
A. It looks for another life-partner. Lets face it, it isn't going to be stuck for choice and most of them are going to be better looking.
2. Why is the Pole Vaulting World Record about 6.5 metres and why can't it be broken?
A. Because the laws of physics say so. Besides, it is so fantastically dull and pointless as a sport, most people would prefer to eat one of their own lungs or watch crown green bowls than sit through three hours of barely pronouncable foreigners boinging about the screen.
3. If you could go back in time to any period in history, when would it be and why?
A. The moment of creation, so I could come back later and say "See? I told you so."
4. Are you Cool?
A. No, I've a jumper on and the central heating is up a little too high.
5. If there was an omnipotent god, could he be able to create a stone that he couldn't lift?
A. I couldn't care less. If they did though, I'd probably advise them to stop f*cking about with boulders and burning bushes and do some f*cking work sorting out the mess they've created. Oh, and who says it's a 'he'?
6. Should someone sell their kidney?
A. Yes, provided it isn't Buy One Get One Free.
7. Is it moral to hook up a psychopath (whose only pleasure is killing) to a reality-simulating machine so that he can believe he is in the real world and kill as much as he likes?
A. No. It would be much kinder and of far greater benefit to humanity to have him in the audience of the average Jeremy Kyle show.
8. Should obese people have free NHS treatment?
A. No. Everyone should have free NHS treatment, apart from the irretrievably stupid who should be humanely shipped to the Isle of Man and allowed to live out a peaceful existence terrorising whelks.
9. Why did they used to make the mill chimneys so tall?
A. To piss of Fred Dibnah.
10. Why can't you light a candle in a space-ship?
A. There's lots of scientific reasons as to why this is not a good idea, however if your aim in astronautics is to go into space to simply light candles, then you should not consider a career in with NASA and instead seek clinical help. If you can't appreciate the wonders of the universe without farting around with a candle, then the only time you should have been blasted into space, was hours before the moment of your conception.
11. If I could fold this paper an infinite amount of times, how many tims must I fold it to reach the moon?
A. It would depend. If 'this' paper was a blank sheet of paper. Knock yourself out spending eternity folding it, but I doubt you'll get there. If it is a ticket for the first space journey to the moon on Virgin-Moon, then I'd hold off folding until you are on the journey and have had your first drink, then you can fold it as often as you like and it will take you there however many times you fold it. Plus, you get a drink and some grub thrown in for free.
12. Can History Stop the Next War?
A. No. Because if it does, then there wouldn't be a next war would there? And if it doesn't then its failed anyway. And you ask this to supposedly intelligent people?
13. Where does honesty fit into law?
A. Just off the Northampton ring road.
14. What books are bad for you?
A. Jeffrey Archers.
15. What would happen if you drilled through the Earth all the way to the other side and then jumped in the hole?
A. I'd probably find two Premier League footballers at the other end wanting to pay it to have sex with them.
16. Does a Girl Scout have a political agenda?
A. No, most have a Honda Civic.
17. What does it mean to be happy?
A. It probably means you won't be appearing on the Jeremy Kyle show soon. Which should make you happier, and thus a virtuous circle.
18. Smith sees Jones walking towards a cliff, Smith knows Jones is blind but doesn't like him so allows him to walk off the edge. Is this murder?
A. No idea, but I'm guessing immigrants will get the blame in the Daily Mail anyway.
19. How would you measure the weight of your own head?
A. Inaccurately.
20. What is Fate?
A. A crap fair/jumble sale that villages have in the summer to sound posh, where vegetables are judged and do the judging.
21. How would you describe an Apple?
A. Well designed with a catchy name, but appalling build quality and shite customer service.
22. The stage: A platform for opinions or just entertainment - What are your thoughts?
A. My thoughts tend to be along the lines of, I don't give a fetid goats penis what the stage is, I instead like to think about breasts, chocolate and laughing.
23. I am an oil baron in the desert and I need to deliver oil to 4 different towns which happen to lie in a straight line. I must visit each town in turn, returning to my oil tank between each visit. Where should I position my tank to drive the shortest possible distance? Roads are no problem as I have a sheikh friend who will build me as many roads as I like for free.
A. Get the sheikh to build a pipeline instead of roads.
24. Think of a Painting of a tree. Is the tree real?
A. Possibly, it could be a surreal painting however.
25. Does a snail have a consciousness?
A. Yes, but if it has to read any more of these sodding questions, it won't have for much longer.
26. Why is there salt in the sea?
A. It went on holiday and is enjoying the sun.
27. What is the point of using NHS money to keep old people alive?
A. It annoys younger people who want to spend it on sex, drugs and piercing themselves.
28. You have a 3 litre jug and a 5 litre jug, make 4 litres.
A. No.
29. Was it fair that a woman's planning application for painting her door purple in a conservation area was declined?
A. Probably not. Purple doors are far more inoffensive than unctuous twerps with a grandiose idea of inflated self-worth and appalling beards. I usually find people who are offended by colour are often entirely cretinous and their feeble judgements best ignored anyway.
30. Do you think Chairman Mao would have been proud of the China of today?
A. Provided it was Eternal Bow or Wedgwood, most definitely.
31. Why isn't there a global government?
A. Because we have a modicum of sense. More politicians? That's all we need.
32. Is the Bible a fictional work? Could it be called Chick-Lit?
A. Mostly and I could call it a few things worse than that.
33. Is feminism dead?
A. No, it's just easier to flash your tits to get what you want. My wife gave me permission to post that answer.
34. What percentage of the world's water is contained in a cow?
A. Depends how big the cow is and how thirsty its been I suppose.
35. If you're not in California, how do you know it exists?
A. Because of the crap advert starring Arnold and his famous chums.
36. When are people dead?
A. When they believe all their problems can be solved by appearing on the Jeremy Kyle show or Loose Women, though this definition can be chiefly described as brain-dead. Physical death occurs shortly after you decide to tell your wife her arse is looking a bit bigger nowadays.
37. Chekhov's great, isn't he?
A. No. Spock was much cooler and had better ears.
38. What is the Population of Croydon?
A. Depressed.
39. Why are big, fierce animals so rare?
A. Because if you try to cook them for too long, they'll turn around and bite your head off.
40. Are there too many people in the world?
A. Not really, there are too many stupid people however.
41. How many animals did Moses take on the Ark?
A. No idea, but does this story mean that all fish, ducks, and aquatic marine life must all be evil?
42. How many grains of sand are there in the world?
A. More than eight. Probably.
43. Was Romeo Impulsive?
A. Not really, but in a few years I hope he has a word with David and Victoria and asks them why they gave him such a f*cking stupid name.
44. How would you describe a human to a person from Mars?
A. Quickly, as I am running to the phone to let NASA know just what has happened.
45. What do you like most about the brain?
A. That it can occasionally work in some people.
46. Why do so few American's believe in evolution?
A. Congenital stupidity and a closed-mind.
47. How would you reduce crime through Architecture?
A. Make buildings from cannabis and when trouble is brewing, set light to a building in the near vicinity. Within a few minutes, everyone will be mellow.
48. Would you say Greed is good or bad?
A. I'd say it is not the best Mr Man book and that I prefer Mr Bump or Mr Forgetful.
49. How would you travel through time?
A. I answered this in two years time.
50. Can a computer have a conscience?
A. It depends if the snail earlier stole it.
51. What would happen if the Classics department burned down?
A. The police would arrest a Black youth or someone who looks like an immigrant.
52. Don't you think Hamlet is a bit long? Well I do.
A. My Hamlet is of average length and girth. I find that a rather personal question actually prof, you aren't going to bend me over your desk to find out are you?
53. Is there such thing as "race"?
A. Yes. It makes it easier for cretinous bigots to identify their victims.
54. Is nature natural?
A. Do bears shit in the woods?
55. Is the Environment a bigger crisis than poverty/AIDS, etc?
A. Probably not, but more people would gladly hug a tree than another less fortunate human being.
56. Why do the words "God" and "I" have capital letters?
A. Because teacher told us.
57. Is it more important to focus on poverty at home, or poverty abroad?
A. Neither. Start with stupidity, fear and selfishness first, if we can deal with that, the rest will take care of itself.
58. What makes you think that I am having thoughts?
A. You are a man and there is a tell tale bulge.
59. Do you think you're clever?
A. No, but I prefer to say nothing rather than open my mouth and be proven right. Unlike some.
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