Driving
I was at the Driving Range the other evening, paying for my son and his friend to hit golfballs aimlessly about while Ian and I gazed on in the forlorn hope that we may get a turn (Out of 100 balls, I hit about 10). When our gentle practising was interrupted by the sound of a car being revved to high heaven and then spinning its tyres in the car park.
Now, I'm pretty certain that the R&A in their laws of the game of Golf, suggest that revving a car engine while people are practising is pretty poor form and liable to a two stroke penalty. One with the club across your windscreen and the second seeing your putter wrapped around the idiot drivers head.
I really don't understand this macho posturing in cars. There's so many ways to do it too. You can wind your window down and play music so loud that you frighten the wildlife, not just in your local town but often in Norway. You can rev your engine aggressively at traffic lights and glance across at someone else in the car next to you, then pull away in a screech of tyre smoke to prove you have the biggest penis (usually visible on your head) or you can be so bloody minded about anything on the road and refuse to obey even the simplest of courtesies ('Well, he overtook me, so if he thinks he's getting back in there, he's mistaken. For all I care, he can be hit by this 15 ton wagon coming straight at him. I'm not letting him in, he emasculated me by overtaking me in his crap car, so let him die.')
What I find particularly baffling as well is the fact that the people who tend to do this, tend to not be the ones driving the BMW M5, the Porsche's, or big engined cars. No, instead it tends to be one of the following:-
- Cretinous 17 year olds who have borrowed their Mothers 1 Litre Honda Jazz and believe it to be the Millennium Falcon. Thus revving the engine to death and leaving more tyre on the road than actually on the car means that every single female within earshot will be desperate to have sex with them.
- Men in White Vans : Not all I hasten to add. Usually the ones in some beat up, 30 year old Bedford with more rust than paintwork, who take great pleasure in owning the road and the satisfaction that if they cause death by their insensitive, shite driving, it probably won't be theirs.
- Young Adult Males with their first car : These are my personal favourites. They usually get a 1.2 litre Corsa or a Ford Fiesta. Stick some blue lighting inside, drill three holes in the exhaust, steal a spoiler from somewhere and superglue it into place and hey presto, Pimp my Ride.
I think most men (for it is mostly men who indulge in this unutterable nonsense) feel that they have to make up for their lack of decent car by driving like a complete dickhead. This in some way proves their masculinity and the fact that, given the right opportunity, they'd have been Jensen Button's team mate this weekend, not Lewis Hamilton.
Also, they haven't thought this through. If they are driving like this to impress people then they've gone about it the wrong way. Think about it, if you are 17 and sat in your pimped up Ford Fiesta, revving the 1 litre engine to death and going everywhere in a squeal of tyres, then that is the equivalent of going to the local nightclub to impress the ladies, wearing a kagool, pair of wellingtons and a T-shirt with "Get it here" written on it. Try as you might to impress, you still look a prick.
I fail to see why manners cannot be exercised on the road. But then I see a dangerous driver, or someone acting like a prat and I realise that I feel they should be seen 200 yards down the road with their car wrapped around a tree and their head inserted into their own sphincter. So perhaps I am as bad as the next man?
However, I think that is human nature. Mine is a reaction, not an action. My reaction would not happen, if it wasn't for the Mungo-mobiles that create an atmosphere of loathing on the roads.
The answers simple, don't drive to impress and you will. Drive to impress, and you won't and if you still feel the need to drive your car to impress or intimidate, grow a penis or a brain. Or preferably both.
Now, I'm pretty certain that the R&A in their laws of the game of Golf, suggest that revving a car engine while people are practising is pretty poor form and liable to a two stroke penalty. One with the club across your windscreen and the second seeing your putter wrapped around the idiot drivers head.
I really don't understand this macho posturing in cars. There's so many ways to do it too. You can wind your window down and play music so loud that you frighten the wildlife, not just in your local town but often in Norway. You can rev your engine aggressively at traffic lights and glance across at someone else in the car next to you, then pull away in a screech of tyre smoke to prove you have the biggest penis (usually visible on your head) or you can be so bloody minded about anything on the road and refuse to obey even the simplest of courtesies ('Well, he overtook me, so if he thinks he's getting back in there, he's mistaken. For all I care, he can be hit by this 15 ton wagon coming straight at him. I'm not letting him in, he emasculated me by overtaking me in his crap car, so let him die.')
What I find particularly baffling as well is the fact that the people who tend to do this, tend to not be the ones driving the BMW M5, the Porsche's, or big engined cars. No, instead it tends to be one of the following:-
- Cretinous 17 year olds who have borrowed their Mothers 1 Litre Honda Jazz and believe it to be the Millennium Falcon. Thus revving the engine to death and leaving more tyre on the road than actually on the car means that every single female within earshot will be desperate to have sex with them.
- Men in White Vans : Not all I hasten to add. Usually the ones in some beat up, 30 year old Bedford with more rust than paintwork, who take great pleasure in owning the road and the satisfaction that if they cause death by their insensitive, shite driving, it probably won't be theirs.
- Young Adult Males with their first car : These are my personal favourites. They usually get a 1.2 litre Corsa or a Ford Fiesta. Stick some blue lighting inside, drill three holes in the exhaust, steal a spoiler from somewhere and superglue it into place and hey presto, Pimp my Ride.
I think most men (for it is mostly men who indulge in this unutterable nonsense) feel that they have to make up for their lack of decent car by driving like a complete dickhead. This in some way proves their masculinity and the fact that, given the right opportunity, they'd have been Jensen Button's team mate this weekend, not Lewis Hamilton.
Also, they haven't thought this through. If they are driving like this to impress people then they've gone about it the wrong way. Think about it, if you are 17 and sat in your pimped up Ford Fiesta, revving the 1 litre engine to death and going everywhere in a squeal of tyres, then that is the equivalent of going to the local nightclub to impress the ladies, wearing a kagool, pair of wellingtons and a T-shirt with "Get it here" written on it. Try as you might to impress, you still look a prick.
I fail to see why manners cannot be exercised on the road. But then I see a dangerous driver, or someone acting like a prat and I realise that I feel they should be seen 200 yards down the road with their car wrapped around a tree and their head inserted into their own sphincter. So perhaps I am as bad as the next man?
However, I think that is human nature. Mine is a reaction, not an action. My reaction would not happen, if it wasn't for the Mungo-mobiles that create an atmosphere of loathing on the roads.
The answers simple, don't drive to impress and you will. Drive to impress, and you won't and if you still feel the need to drive your car to impress or intimidate, grow a penis or a brain. Or preferably both.
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