Door to Door Cold Callers
In a blog post a while back, I moaned on about a visit from some misguided Jehovah's Witnesses (I feel confident in making that assertion now after speaking to my friend, who assured me they were not weird enough to be Mormons). However, in terms of toasting on God's eternal bottom-spike of damnation, they are safe, because way before them in the queue will be cold-calling energy company salesmen, the like of whom have passed my way in recent times.
Now, I do not wish to tar everyone who does this with the same brush. I have had a lot of callers, haven't we all? But not all of them have been like the people I will go on to describe. Others are happy to accept what I say and leave with a smile. It is not they that this tirade is against. Christ knows, it is a thankless job.
But cretins like I met today, make it that way.
It started with, as usual, a ring on the doorbell. Awaiting several postal deliveries for Christmas presents, I didn't take a peek out of the window beforehand and regretted it when I saw the silhouette of two people stood at the door.
Now, this immediately tells me something. First, that it isn't a delivery. For delivery drivers are, in the main solitary beasts. Even those that deliver large items with two people in the van, usually only send one to the door while the other bangs things about in the back of the van and swears at the radio. So, without requiring Sherlock Holmes levels of detection, I was quickly aware we were being visited upon by religious folk or worse.
I've got a problem with door-to-door sales. Firstly, I think it should be outlawed. If we want to get potatoes, we go the shop. We do not require a shop to knock on our door every hour asking if we need potatoes on the off-chance that we might. If we want to find out something, we will ask THEM.
I could tolerate it, but the tactics they use are now so high-pressured and smug that it takes all my renowned resources of self-control not to look at them in the eye and then poke them in it.
Charity door to door are equally as bad. I know, going to hell aren't I? Those poor buggers who all need our money and who come with sob stories that genuinely do break your heart. But where do you stop? Unfortunately, we have a finite amount of money each month, we can't support them all. So when they come and we have to regretfully say "no", to their request for just "30p a day..." which they do not tell you is a monthly direct debit of nearly £10, or £120 a year, they look at you as if to say "well thankyou for condemning (delete poor unfortunate at will) sick children/sick adults/sick animals to death, you evil scum."
But they generally pale into comparison when compared to this type of energy salesman, the exchange with which I shall attempt to recount below as accurately as possible. With the bullshit Beep in full detection mode.
"Ding Dong..."
"Hiya! Don't look worried! We're not here to sell you anything" (Beep!)
"We're just checking that you have got your £200 reduction on your fuel bills?" (Beep)
(*£200 reduction only if your monthly payment is £56,126,412 per month and you pay by direct debit, in advance and offer your children into eternal slavery for the whimsy of the Managing Director and your middle name is Bartholomew-St.John-Cockswab)
"Erm, no I sort all this out online thanks."
"Yes, but this is a new offer and isn't available online..." (Beep)
"Well, that may be the case, but I still sort it out online..."
(Ignoring the last comment) "So do you pay the bills, by direct debit? Monthly?"
"Yes."
"Well, you can take advantage of this fantastic, brand new offer...Get £200 off..." (Beep)
"Like I said, I sort this out regularly online. I am happier doing it this way. I have had three of these energy callers all promising me exactly the same thing over the last three days..."
"...But they won't have an offer like this, we are offering a saving of around £200 on your annual bill" (Beep)
"I know you have told me, but I said I check this and sort it online."
"But this isn't available online, so you won't be able to get it." (Beep, Beep)
"I guess I'll have to live with that won't I?"
"So you don't want to save £200 just before Christmas?" (Beep)
"Look, I'm really busy and I am actually working. I've been really polite. I am not signing anything today. I sort this online, if you want to contact me do it that way."
"Well, good luck." (said with searing sarcasm and undisguised contempt) "...but you won't find an offer as good as this online."
Then turn on heel, walk away without saying goodbye and a faint shake of the head and muttering under the breath.
Of course, the only response to this is to fling yourself onto the floor and cry "Oh sir! Please don't go! I realise the foolishness of my ways! Come back and furnish me with your offer! In fact, I tell you what, have my children as a deposit! Take a dog! Do you want the car keys? I'll move out. I deserve NOTHING for turning down this offer! Stupid man that I am!"
Alternatively, you can do what I did and say "Just because I am not a customer, does not mean you need to be rude... But since you started it...you're a prick and your sales patter is sh*t."
Oh and it was NPower if you wanted to know. It was the second one from them that I have had that was an obnoxious tosser.
I won't swear at a Jehovah or a charity caller, but Energy folk, because they are evil moneygrabbing scum, are fair game.
Now, I do not wish to tar everyone who does this with the same brush. I have had a lot of callers, haven't we all? But not all of them have been like the people I will go on to describe. Others are happy to accept what I say and leave with a smile. It is not they that this tirade is against. Christ knows, it is a thankless job.
But cretins like I met today, make it that way.
It started with, as usual, a ring on the doorbell. Awaiting several postal deliveries for Christmas presents, I didn't take a peek out of the window beforehand and regretted it when I saw the silhouette of two people stood at the door.
Now, this immediately tells me something. First, that it isn't a delivery. For delivery drivers are, in the main solitary beasts. Even those that deliver large items with two people in the van, usually only send one to the door while the other bangs things about in the back of the van and swears at the radio. So, without requiring Sherlock Holmes levels of detection, I was quickly aware we were being visited upon by religious folk or worse.
I've got a problem with door-to-door sales. Firstly, I think it should be outlawed. If we want to get potatoes, we go the shop. We do not require a shop to knock on our door every hour asking if we need potatoes on the off-chance that we might. If we want to find out something, we will ask THEM.
I could tolerate it, but the tactics they use are now so high-pressured and smug that it takes all my renowned resources of self-control not to look at them in the eye and then poke them in it.
Charity door to door are equally as bad. I know, going to hell aren't I? Those poor buggers who all need our money and who come with sob stories that genuinely do break your heart. But where do you stop? Unfortunately, we have a finite amount of money each month, we can't support them all. So when they come and we have to regretfully say "no", to their request for just "30p a day..." which they do not tell you is a monthly direct debit of nearly £10, or £120 a year, they look at you as if to say "well thankyou for condemning (delete poor unfortunate at will) sick children/sick adults/sick animals to death, you evil scum."
But they generally pale into comparison when compared to this type of energy salesman, the exchange with which I shall attempt to recount below as accurately as possible. With the bullshit Beep in full detection mode.
"Ding Dong..."
"Hiya! Don't look worried! We're not here to sell you anything" (Beep!)
"We're just checking that you have got your £200 reduction on your fuel bills?" (Beep)
(*£200 reduction only if your monthly payment is £56,126,412 per month and you pay by direct debit, in advance and offer your children into eternal slavery for the whimsy of the Managing Director and your middle name is Bartholomew-St.John-Cockswab)
"Erm, no I sort all this out online thanks."
"Yes, but this is a new offer and isn't available online..." (Beep)
"Well, that may be the case, but I still sort it out online..."
(Ignoring the last comment) "So do you pay the bills, by direct debit? Monthly?"
"Yes."
"Well, you can take advantage of this fantastic, brand new offer...Get £200 off..." (Beep)
"Like I said, I sort this out regularly online. I am happier doing it this way. I have had three of these energy callers all promising me exactly the same thing over the last three days..."
"...But they won't have an offer like this, we are offering a saving of around £200 on your annual bill" (Beep)
"I know you have told me, but I said I check this and sort it online."
"But this isn't available online, so you won't be able to get it." (Beep, Beep)
"I guess I'll have to live with that won't I?"
"So you don't want to save £200 just before Christmas?" (Beep)
"Look, I'm really busy and I am actually working. I've been really polite. I am not signing anything today. I sort this online, if you want to contact me do it that way."
"Well, good luck." (said with searing sarcasm and undisguised contempt) "...but you won't find an offer as good as this online."
Then turn on heel, walk away without saying goodbye and a faint shake of the head and muttering under the breath.
Of course, the only response to this is to fling yourself onto the floor and cry "Oh sir! Please don't go! I realise the foolishness of my ways! Come back and furnish me with your offer! In fact, I tell you what, have my children as a deposit! Take a dog! Do you want the car keys? I'll move out. I deserve NOTHING for turning down this offer! Stupid man that I am!"
Alternatively, you can do what I did and say "Just because I am not a customer, does not mean you need to be rude... But since you started it...you're a prick and your sales patter is sh*t."
Oh and it was NPower if you wanted to know. It was the second one from them that I have had that was an obnoxious tosser.
I won't swear at a Jehovah or a charity caller, but Energy folk, because they are evil moneygrabbing scum, are fair game.
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