The Boudoir of the Grape
Here's a thought for you.
I don't like alcohol very much.
Let's not misunderstand this. I occasionally enjoy a cold beer (much rarer now since I've been asking the fat fairies to harvest the lard from my arse), a glass of wine or maybe, if pushed a Southern Comfort or nice Single Malt whisky.
But I could quite happily give this up forever tomorrow.
The problem is, I think, that I don't really understand the subtle differences that so many people witter on about. Let's start with wine for example. If you are particularly unfortunate, you may catch that god-awful irritating, plum-in-the-mouth frizzy haired bint, Jilly Goulden wittering on about "the bouquet of fresh Thyme and Mint echoing through the velvety undertone of Saffron Walden..." or some such nonsense... So I try it and think...
"Umm... It's wine."
That is my level of understanding. Wine comes in three flavours, Red (which is purple), White (which is yellow) and Rose (which is Pink). Is it deliberately this obtuse? The crassness doesn't end there. "Dry White Wine please!" my sister will say. How the feck do you get a Dry drink? It's a bit like the advert for Milky Way Chocolate, which says "Eat me and I won't fill you up!" Well that's fecking marvellous isn't it? Can you see Shell advertising their special petrol "Fill up using Shell's No Go Diesel! Guaranteed not to make your car move at all!"
I also hate the pomposity of wine, as if it is viewed almost as a status symbol for some. One of my wife's relations relayed the tale to us of the time he went to France and spent a ridiculous amount of money on a case of wine. So much so that it made financial sense to come back from holiday and build, yes build, a wine cellar.
"Does it taste nice?" I foolishly asked to be met with a smile of such condescension that I may as well have asked "Do cows shit copiously?"
"It's Chateauneuf Du Pape Extra Special, Fucking Expensive for Posh people only Wine!" I was informed, or something like that. As if drinking it was the last thing you'd ever consider doing with it. Indeed actually drinking the stuff was deemed about as approptiate as Snogging the Mother in Law at a neighbours wake.
It is my life's ambition to be rich enough to be able to order one of these stupidly expensive bottle of wines, take it to a really posh wine place, make a big fuss about unveiling it in front of hundreds of wine buffs, and then make a fucking enormous trifle or Coq-Au-Vin with it and give it to the bar staff to enjoy, and everyone else can have the Tesco £2.99 Brake Fluid.
It's the same with Whisky. Now with Whisky I can detect something. Some whisky has a really salty taste. This I don't like. Others don't and have a less salty taste, which I do like. That's my frame of reference and it suits me. Whisky falls into either the "like" or "don't like" category, I can cope with this. I really don't like it that much to care much further to be honest.
But ask me about heathery aftertones, the gentle warmth of a peat-scented lavender with the gentle undercurrent of flatulent Donkey and I won't have a clue and I'll probably ignore you and tell you to go away and speak to someone who pretends that they understand what the feck you are on about.
I'm not one for any other spirits either. I've tried most of them and my general idea is that the alcohol used generally just spoils the coke or lemonade that I am having with it.
Lager is ok, but to be honest, I much prefer shandy.It tastes nicer and doesn't make you fall over, act like a twat, contract chlamydia or vomit into your shoes.
The only drink I can say that I do really enjoy is a Southern Comfort Swizzler, however this is chiefly because when you add the Lime and Lemonade to the Southern Comfort, to me it tastes rather like a Sherbet Dib Dab. However once I've had two of these I am usually bored of them and hankering for a diet coke.
Some people have real difficulty with this. They assume, incorrectly, that I am somehow stinting myself of the joys of alcohol, that without it, I won't be as relaxed or enjoy myself as much. The notion of preferring 'soft' drinks over beer seems alien to some. But its just as alien to me to prefer lager over say Lime and Lemonade with ice in.
I've always been odd like that.
I don't like alcohol very much.
Let's not misunderstand this. I occasionally enjoy a cold beer (much rarer now since I've been asking the fat fairies to harvest the lard from my arse), a glass of wine or maybe, if pushed a Southern Comfort or nice Single Malt whisky.
But I could quite happily give this up forever tomorrow.
The problem is, I think, that I don't really understand the subtle differences that so many people witter on about. Let's start with wine for example. If you are particularly unfortunate, you may catch that god-awful irritating, plum-in-the-mouth frizzy haired bint, Jilly Goulden wittering on about "the bouquet of fresh Thyme and Mint echoing through the velvety undertone of Saffron Walden..." or some such nonsense... So I try it and think...
"Umm... It's wine."
That is my level of understanding. Wine comes in three flavours, Red (which is purple), White (which is yellow) and Rose (which is Pink). Is it deliberately this obtuse? The crassness doesn't end there. "Dry White Wine please!" my sister will say. How the feck do you get a Dry drink? It's a bit like the advert for Milky Way Chocolate, which says "Eat me and I won't fill you up!" Well that's fecking marvellous isn't it? Can you see Shell advertising their special petrol "Fill up using Shell's No Go Diesel! Guaranteed not to make your car move at all!"
I also hate the pomposity of wine, as if it is viewed almost as a status symbol for some. One of my wife's relations relayed the tale to us of the time he went to France and spent a ridiculous amount of money on a case of wine. So much so that it made financial sense to come back from holiday and build, yes build, a wine cellar.
"Does it taste nice?" I foolishly asked to be met with a smile of such condescension that I may as well have asked "Do cows shit copiously?"
"It's Chateauneuf Du Pape Extra Special, Fucking Expensive for Posh people only Wine!" I was informed, or something like that. As if drinking it was the last thing you'd ever consider doing with it. Indeed actually drinking the stuff was deemed about as approptiate as Snogging the Mother in Law at a neighbours wake.
It is my life's ambition to be rich enough to be able to order one of these stupidly expensive bottle of wines, take it to a really posh wine place, make a big fuss about unveiling it in front of hundreds of wine buffs, and then make a fucking enormous trifle or Coq-Au-Vin with it and give it to the bar staff to enjoy, and everyone else can have the Tesco £2.99 Brake Fluid.
It's the same with Whisky. Now with Whisky I can detect something. Some whisky has a really salty taste. This I don't like. Others don't and have a less salty taste, which I do like. That's my frame of reference and it suits me. Whisky falls into either the "like" or "don't like" category, I can cope with this. I really don't like it that much to care much further to be honest.
But ask me about heathery aftertones, the gentle warmth of a peat-scented lavender with the gentle undercurrent of flatulent Donkey and I won't have a clue and I'll probably ignore you and tell you to go away and speak to someone who pretends that they understand what the feck you are on about.
I'm not one for any other spirits either. I've tried most of them and my general idea is that the alcohol used generally just spoils the coke or lemonade that I am having with it.
Lager is ok, but to be honest, I much prefer shandy.It tastes nicer and doesn't make you fall over, act like a twat, contract chlamydia or vomit into your shoes.
The only drink I can say that I do really enjoy is a Southern Comfort Swizzler, however this is chiefly because when you add the Lime and Lemonade to the Southern Comfort, to me it tastes rather like a Sherbet Dib Dab. However once I've had two of these I am usually bored of them and hankering for a diet coke.
Some people have real difficulty with this. They assume, incorrectly, that I am somehow stinting myself of the joys of alcohol, that without it, I won't be as relaxed or enjoy myself as much. The notion of preferring 'soft' drinks over beer seems alien to some. But its just as alien to me to prefer lager over say Lime and Lemonade with ice in.
I've always been odd like that.
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